I'm Tired

I'm Tired

Today is not a good day. 

It's 1:33 p.m. on Thursday and I'm sitting at my work desk. I am in a horrible mood. One of those moods that pop up out of no where for no good reason. And it's bad. Well, mostly, it's inconvenient. I have a first date in 4.5 hours that I don't want to go on.

As soon as I woke up this morning I didn't want to go. 

Maybe it's because I'm coming fresh off of a relationship letdown 4 years in the making that I feel spiritually burned out and exhausted with dating. I'm kind of over it, but not so over it that I'll stop. Just over it enough that I don't look forward to first dates, which is what lies before me. 

Maybe it's a normal cycle. I go through this occasionally. Sometimes I'm energized by new possibilities of a first date and other times I'm drained by starting over with someone new.

My bad mood is not a reflection on the guy, who I met on Bumble, who seems interesting.

I don't look forward to telling my life story again. My family stories. Likes and dislikes. Casual chit chat. What has me on edge at this moment is a jumbling of nerves, disappointment about my immediate past, and a legitimate desire to go home instead of go on a date. But if I'm considering things I don't want, I also don't want to be single for eternity, so I feel obligated to my future self to bite the bullet on this one and go. 

I'll go. I'll turn myself "on" when I arrive--a mental switching I developed in my professional life. I'll be charming. I'll make sure he feels comfortable. I'll have a good time. I'll do it because I know that's what it takes and quite frankly if it works out, it'll be worth the inconvenience I feel right now. 

It's times like these that I understand why people pay thousands of dollars to let some fancy matchmaker do all the legwork of finding their mate. But even after their pointing out 2 or 3 good matches, this part--this dating part--cannot be skipped.

As I sit here lamenting over my first world dilemmas, feeling both ridiculous for mentally wailing over my "problems" (Boo hoo, I have a date. Life is terrible.) and a sense of dread, I know I'll go, the same way I made myself go to the dentist last week.

I'm just tired. I'm sure this feeling will pass. I so hope it does.


Photo credit: Patrick via CC Flickr